I am in the process of returning to my normal exercising outdoor loving self. Even though I am quite tired much of the time, I am trying to make a point of walking the dogs and taking Lily out in her stroller. I have been doing quite well. On Thursday night, I was pretty worn out, but I decided I needed to take the dogs for a quick run anyway. They had lots of energy, and I know that exercising is supposed to give me more. We were about halfway through our run when a guy pulled up next to us in his car and asked me where I took the dogs to get them groomed. If you know about my dogs, you know that they are nothing fancy. They are both very sweet, formerly stray sweethearts, but well groomed they are not. I told him I take care of them myself, and he said he would pull over so we could talk. He pulled up to the next corner and turned right. When I got to the corner, I turned left. It was the plan from the beginning. I had to turn to get home. Also, I do not really need to be talking to strange men in cars. It was nice to be noticed. This sort of thing used to happen quite regularly when I was just out of college, but it has been a while. I do not plan on making this a habit if I can help it.
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I have decided to keep the super short hair. It is easy to keep up, works well with the hot flashes, and Lily loves it. I have also enjoyed getting many compliments from random strangers when I am out. Today, we went to breakfast and then to the grocery store, as we do most weekends. As I was picking out frozen veggies, a man came over and said, "I don't know if you have that hair cut for medical reasons or by choice, but it looks wonderful." He was the fourth person to approach me this week. I am very pleased with this. I don't see many women out with similar hair, so I get uncomfortable with it sometimes. Having people come up and tell me I look good provides the support I need. More good things to come!
After a five and a half day weekend, we returned to school today!
I got brave (and hot) and took my hat off during a class today. It was a little scary, but if there is one thing I know about middle school, it is that news spreads fast, even if it is of little importance to the students. I figured that everyone in the grade would know by now that I did not have hair. No one said anything or acted weird. Students continued to ask me for help, and I tried to keep my composure as I was instructing and answering questions. It is not that I think my kids are especially mean or anything. They are almost all very respectful towards me. I am just finding that the self consciousness most of us learn as we are growing up never really goes away. My friends will attest to the fact that I am generally very confident in my beliefs and actions, but this has definitely tested that part of me. I was sure that once I lost my hair and started walking around as the bald mama, I would see other women in the same position, but that is not the case. Most people are content with their wigs. I envy them right now. It seems a bit easier at this point. More conservation of dignity. . . I don't know. All I know is that there is no turning back now. I think it would just be weird if I started wearing the wig again. My next hurdle to overcome is getting out of my head about it. :) School got out early today due to snow concerns. Luckily, I know a number of way to get home from my daughter's daycare and did not have to get on the highway. It took about an hour for us to get home, which is not unusual. We waited for John to get home for Lily to have her first snow experience. When John finally got home, we bundled up and went outside. The dogs love the snow and started playing immediately. Lily was a bit more skeptical. She looked at it and was excited that the dogs were running. She got brave and touched the snow. She pulled her hand away and started crying because it was too cold. Lily has gloves, but they do not stay on her hands because her hands are still too small. She did pick up a stick and use it move snow around, but our time outside was very short. I will have to make her some mittens tonight, and we can try it again tomorrow. I am fairly certain we will not have school.
On another note, I did not wear my wig to school yesterday or this morning. I did wear a hat. Baby steps, right? Only one student commented about the hat. We were on our way to the cafeteria, and he asked me if I had cut off all my hair to donate to "one of those places." I took my hat off (there were about 12 students in the line), and a couple of boys at the back of the line started laughing. I told the student who asked me about my hair that my hair fell out from cancer treatment, so I was not a donator of hair but a recipient. The boys at the back of the line stopped laughing. I put my hat back on, and we continued to our destination. I can not remember the last time my heart beated so fast. Why am I so concerned about middle schoolers? Maybe it is the fact that I am putting a very personal thing out to people I do not really trust but have to interact with everyday? Most of the time when people see me without my wig and appear to have some issue, I can just keep walking and know I will not have to see them again. That is not the case here. After much hemming and hawing, I decided that today is the day I will come to school with no wig. I decided that being scared of what middle schoolers would think and say is not a reason to be uncomfortable and frustrated. The wig is very nice looking, but it is too hot, especially when I have a hot flash, it has bangs that get in my eyes, and just feels like I am not being myself. I do not wear it anywhere except to school to teach, and it is often off of my head before I pull out of the parking lot.
Wish me luck. . . So, school is everything I remember it to be. It is nice to be there full time so I know what is going on and am actually able to plan and teach lessons. It was difficult to do this in the fall because I would plan to be at school, but I would stop for a blood test in the morning and find out I could not go. Without that, I am more confident in planning lessons and teaching, which makes me happy. I am actually teaching all three of my inclusion classes this coming Monday and Tuesday.
I am also trying to spend more time creating things. I find that my art usually starts up at times like this when I feel like everything in chaotic and there is not much I can do about it. After my earring holder, I made one for my older sister for her birthday. For mine, I left the wood of the frame showing, but for hers, I covered it with blue cloth wrapped in silver ribbon. I try to keep in mind that everyone has a different style. I am not sure if these will be featured on my website. John thinks they will because that is usually how my projects go - I make it for myself and then I just keep going. I also made a cape for my darling Lily and a matching one for her teddy. We were reading a children's magazine on Thursday, and one of the characters had a cape on. I put Lily's Curious George blanket on her like a cape, and she loved it. It was very large, and she kept tripping over it, so I told her I would make her one on the sewing machine. She picked out some white cloth with pink and brown spots. I got some pink cloth to make the lining. After Lily went to bed, I made her a cape that is pink with an "L" made from the white cloth and teddy a cape that has a pink "T" with the white polka dot background. They are super cute, but I will have to reasearch online to see how I can keep it from being too tight on her neck. Creating and constructing make me feel better. It is hard to get the energy up to do it when I feel the way I do right now, but I know from experience that that is the easiest way to get through the depressed times to a better place. I went back to school yesterday for the planning day, and it was no big deal. Since I am not currently teaching a regular class, I did not have anything really to plan or grade. I went to my grade and subject level planning, but no one really talked because they were all trying to get their grades done and posted.
I was really tired and still am today. School was cancelled due to cold weather. I am sure people up north think we are funny, but imagining kids waiting for school buses that are unreliable on a good day is not. I am glad they cancelled school for that reason. I took Lily to daycare because she enjoys it and missed her friends. Last night she told me about all of her friends and what they did for Christmas, which is now what we need to do. "Sammy played in snow. We need to go play in the snow." Ahhh peer pressure. :) I'm kidding. I know it is not peer pressure; it is just interesting how much even young children want to do the things thier peers do. It is a little weird to think that, if I were still going to chemo, yesterday would have been the next treatment. I struggled alot after the last treatment because I finally gave myself permission to process the whole thing, but it was very intense, so I took a mental step back. Now I am not really sure what to do as far as working through stuff. At this point, I think I just need time and to do things that I want to do. Along those lines, I stopped at the hardware store and the local Goodwill to get some supplies to make a picture frame earring holder. I have kept my dangley earrings in a mug in my bedroom for a long time, but it is very difficult to pick some out for the day that way. I decided today was the day to change that. I got a picture frame, removed the picture and glass, stapled in some wire mesh, and it is now hanging up on the wall with all of my earrings on it. It is funny how long I spent pondering the earring situation and being frustrated with the cup system. In the end, the solution took all of an hour. This makes me remember one of my psychology teachers when I was in grad school. I hold his philosophy close to me most of the time, but I lose sight of it during the times I need it most. He said life is alot easier if you stick to the KISS method - Keep It Simple Stupid. He never wrote it down, so I am not sure if he included the comma between "S" and "S". (It makes a difference to the Grammar teachers in the crowd.) Usually when I have been struggling with something, and the answer comes from the KISS method, I do include the comma, but I will not today, as I am working on giving myself a break. I will keep this in mind as I ponder recovery. . . or I will have to add in the comma. :) Tomorrow I will go back to school. I have not gone in for blood tests because I am sure that my body is healing, and I have gotten really good at being a germophobe. It is a planning day, so I do not have to wear my wig, which is fabulous. I am a little nervous, but I am looking forward to getting back to my normal life.
In preparation for returning to school, we did our usual Sunday activities. We got breakfast at our favorite place, went grocery shopping, and I spent most of the rest of the day cooking food for the week. Lily got a cooking set for Christmas, so she was in the kitchen with me cutting veggies with her plastic knife and sprinking herbs on the tomatoes for our roasted tomato sauce. She also cut a piece of banana bread and spread cream cheese on it for her lunch. She is amazing. I am angry today and for the last couple of days really. Not just angry, volatile, ready to throw down with anyone over anything. I don't really have a reason, but I think that updating my blog for the first time in a month may help. I have a lot going on in my head. So I will spend the next couple of days catching up.
Today, I am the healthiest person in my household. Who would have expected that? Lily has an ear infection, and John has some sort of sinus something, inability to breathe, sinus pressure, groadies. After attending a fun and educational gathering where I learned how I could make some cute skirts, I stopped by two pharmacies to get medicine for my two darlings. I spend last night sleeping on the couch with Lily in an attempt to quell her coughing and help her get some sleep. Unfortunately, this meant I did not sleep. John took her to the doctor this morning while I got a couple of hours. I am sure this is not helping my mood, but I do appreciate that I have a very helpful and supportive husband who will help out in anyway possible. He came home and made me a wonderful lunch even though he is currently unable to taste anything. Then he kept Lily while I learned how to make skirts. I had been looking forward to taking Lily to school this morning and having a day home by myself when I was feeling good. This has not happened in a long time. I had told John that I felt like I needed that as we were on our way home from our trip yesterday, and I saw his actions today as him helping me get the day I desired, even though Sweets was unable to go to daycare. See? I have a wonderfully supportive family and a two year old who plays and makes me laugh even when she is sick. Why am I so angry? Maybe it is the menopause. . . We returned from our trip to Alabama and Tennessee today. We got back in time for our annual New Years' lunch at the Wells Cargo Cafe in Stone Mountain. It was an amazing meal of roast pork, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, black eyed peas, and cornbread. Since we had gotten up pretty early, gone swimming at the hotel after breakfast (that made the fourth time swimming in two days), and driven two hours to get home, I got the food to go and we ate at home. The warm comfort food was perfect since our house was freezing.
John and I talked a lot during our drive. Our morning had started on a not so pleasant note with our breakfast companions at the hotel in Chattanooga. I went down to eat without makeup, in jammies, like I usually do when I am on a vacation with my family. Lily was not feeling stellar, and she was very excited about the pool, which we passed on the way to the lobby. I was holding her as we surveyed the breakfast options, and I asked her what she wanted to eat. I pointed out a couple of things she typically likes, the cereal, bagels with cream cheese, oatmeal. An older lady walked up behind us and said, "Does she always get this many choices?" It was not what she said but the way she said it that was inappropriate. I turned with my no eyelashes, no eyebrows self, and gave her the look that I have perfected over my twelve years of teaching. I did not say anything because I felt like I was saying enough. She walked away. Lily and I continued to get breakfast. After we sat down, the lady sat where she was indirectly facing us. Throughout our meal, I caught her looking in our direction. Then she would use her hand to cover the side of her mouth that was facing us and comment to her husband who seemed very much engaged in the television. While I noticed this because the woman had made a comment to me, John was noticing looks from another table. I got up to get some more coffee, and Lily ran over to me and asked me to pick her up. John said a lady at the table directly behind me during this encounter seemed to have an issue with the situation. We rode up on the elevator with the lady and her breakfast partner. I did notice that they seemed uncomfortable on the ride up, but I did not think much of it until John told me what he had noticed. Aside from the comment, this does not upset me. I just really wish I knew what their concerns were. I would love to have recording devices on the tables to see what they were talking about. I would have asked them, but I have a hard time believeing that people would give me an honest answer. Next time, I think I will give it a shot anyway. When we got in the car, we thought Lily would fall asleep quickly, but our little trooper held out for about an hour before giving in to her sleepiness. After lunch, we all took much needed and well deserved naps. I picked up the dogs from my mom's house where they had stayed, and we spent the rest of the day playing and resting. Lily and John were both feeling under the weather, so I decided to investigate our new insurance. I got on the insurance website and registered with the information from my card. When I tried to log in, an error message came up. I tried to call the help line, but there was no one to answer my call due to the holiday. I know we can not plan these things, and health is the most important thing, but it is frustrating that I have two people who may need to go to the doctor tomorrow on the second day of our new, crappy insurance. |
AuthorI am a wife, mother, artist, special education teacher, animal lover, free spirit, generally content person. Archives
March 2014
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